Open - Content Warning The Putz
#1
Uriel, normally such a jovial fellow who happily bandied about toilet humor, was in a funk. And this funk was caused by him starting to notice that he stuck out like a sore thumb. He was awkward, yes, there was that... And he did tend to have a weak stomach which wasn't such a good thing, but he never meant any harm in his jests or otherwise and his family didn't seem to believe he could be something. He knew he had given such stark impressions to his family, what with the way he liked to pull pranks and laughed when others did not, but he wasn't such a bad sort, was he? The chubby man tugged at the hem of his shirt to try and close the gaps between buttons and he ho hummed when they simply sprang back into gaping. He curled his lip and grumbled. Okay, so he was a putz. A big, fat, hairy pud.

He was a virgin, a socially awkward one at that, who could clear a room in seconds when he was feeling particularly upset or nervous. How would he ever find a girl who would like him even though he was a putz? He pondered this as he brought his tankard to his lips and tried to seem less noteworthy amid the crowd of townspeople and travelers alike.

The young man had not lied when he said he changed his major in school, he really did find law boring and as unstimulating as the town drunk's warbling at midnight. He was smarter than he let on, too, for he grasped history with abandon and paid attention like he was supposed to. He was truly looking forward to his time in Bath, learning about Roman history and such, perhaps even take the time to soak in one of the hot springs; not that he had any thoughts that the water would do much for his rotundness or his misgivings... It would be more for simply relaxing, and he had exactly one month before he was to leave.

It was clear to him that his mother really didn't pay him any heed to what good he was trying to accomplish, that his siblings thought him stupid and mocked him... Well, not Zech because Zech actually engaged and truly believed him; an accomplishment for certain since Zech was the one he actually looked up to. But even Zech thought he was a putz most of the time.

Uriel sank further into his seat and slumped some over the table, leaning his cheek on his hand, his elbow settled on the table, silent and ignoring the sounds of merrymaking.
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#2
Kitty knew she had said she would avoid drink and the places that served it, but she wasn't fully a nun yet. Being in training meant she couldn't be expected to uphold and be perfect in her vows and ability to stand strong against temptation, right? Besides, she told herself she wouldn't get drunk or a fight. Just take in the conversations and enjoy a little air and company. She loved the church and all, but they didn't have the interesting people she found in a place like this.

Well they did, but those people put on their happy and polite faces when they were in church.

She sat next to a guy who looked like he wasn't at his happiest and quickly ordered just one regular beer, hoping to make it last. Barely casting a glance at the guy next to him, she settled into her seat.

"You don't look like the usual types around here. You new?"
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#3
"Nah, just returning to my family for a time." He rolled the mug between his hands a few times idly, then shifted in his seat, the wood groaning in protest. "Then it's back to university, and stuff." He leaned back, rolling his thick bottom until he found some comfort. He was starting to wonder if he should become more active and lose the paunch responsible for his discomfort. Uriel took a swig of his ale and out came an unapologetic belch. The "Pardon me," was just a formality he didn't even mean. Maybe that was the problem? Ugh, what a schmuck, he thought. A slob. He was mentally damning himself.
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#4
Kitty could hear it in the younger man's voice: melancholy. Not that she ever used such fancy words. She sat a bit straighter as her back still had a bit of an ache from tackling the guy the day before. Her legs curled up underneath her as she took that first sip and it relaxed her intensely.

"Ahhh.." She seemed to droop a bit in her seat before taking off her cowl and sitting it on the bar next to her. "Hope you're visiting family for good reasons. If not, my apologies, I hope things go well.." She patted his shoulder. "And I'm sure they are happy you are there."

She decided to continue with him to change conversation. "University huh? Smart guy! What are ya studyin?" She smiled in his direction. "Gonna be a doctor or somethin?" She honestly didn't know what people went to colleges or universities for besides being a doctor or a lawyer.

Hearing his belch resulted in her laughter and she grinned taking another larger swig of her own drink. "Polite too. Is that your first" She eyed the drink then him.
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#5
There was a certain sarcasm in his voice about his family, "Yeah, eh... Quite happy." Insert invisible thumbs up. He sat up and snapped his fingers, one from each hand, before smacking the side of one hand... "I was trying to be a lawyer... like my older brother Zecheriah. But I didn't like it. I could argue my way out of a wet paper bag all day long, but I would rather do that for fun, not seriously. I decided I wanted to become a historian. I highly doubt my father is going to be thrilled when he finds out." He drained the ale after she laughed at his belch, and then said, "Nope... I reckon it's about my third. I don't know, I am not counting really. I'll probably call it a night after one more, don't want to be hungover for my visit to the tailor. What about you?" He was clearly not drunk, and he didn't seem to be trying to forget anything. Big guys like him weren't light weights with the alcohol.
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#6
Kitty was going to give him words of encouragement about his family but then he snapped his fingers and it was something she didn't recognize or understand. It distracted her enough she moved on.

"Well, you're still learning and doing what you love, that should be something right? I reckon you'd be a sad lawyer if it wasn't in yer heart. And history is important too. Look at me, living my life based on a hundreds of years old book. Well.. trying to.." She laughed and put her hands together. "Don't tell anyone."

"Really? Well you're not even rosy cheeked yet. I figure you could have just one more, but don't listen to me. You need to make your tailor appointment tomorrow, you'd probably regret it if you overslept. "

She shrugged and sipped her beer. "Don't like my new boss, but he is the only one tryin. I had to get out and socialize with people more like myself. It's a.. frustratin when you wanna follow a path that ya just don't easily fit into, ya know?"
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#7
He glanced over at her, trying to glean what she was talking about, but then realized it could have been a higher calling... "You don't look like the type who should be a woman of the cloth. First of all, you're to pretty," he complimented, not in the way of actually hitting on her, but merely observation. "Secondly, you seem to like drinking with strangers." He lifted his empty glass in salute, "I will drink to that when my next ale arrives."

And then she observed that his cheeks weren't even showing his state of buzz... Well, lack thereof. "I am not a big drinker though. I used to be when I was younger but it doesn't make me happy to be drunk. I thought I would start buckling down, can't be a kid forever." He went on to say. He pushed the empty mug toward the server and took in an eye-full of cleavage, didn't bother to hide it. Those were some lovely breasts, he thought stupidly, before glancing over at the older woman. "You want another round? I'll buy ya one."
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#8
Kitty laughed softly. "I'm sure there are pretty nuns out there. But thank you. I love drinking and meeting people. It worked back in my show biz days. You shoulda seen it. But I feel like I'm bein led this path and I wanna be a lady of god. It just don't fit who I am but I'm gonna make it. I'll just stumble along the way I guess."

She hugged her glass and shrugged. "You're still young! But don't drink to get drunk. Get drunk cause you're enjoying drinking so much you forget how many you had." She grinned at her bizarre attempt at words of wisdom. 

She couldn't help but notice him check out the bartender, it reminded her of when she used to wish she was more top heavy. Kitty never had trouble getting guys with her fun personality and wild ways though she was supposed to be putting that behind her.

"Well, I was trying to make this last..."She shrugged and downed almost all of it. "But I can't be ride to such a gentleman. Fill me up and talk to me til it's gone. I like listening." She cast him a big smile as she tapped her fingertips lightly against the wooden bar.
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#9
"I wouldn't know, I don't frequent church. I hardly show up to synagogue. I'm not a man of faith, myself." He gave a shrug. He didn't eat pork, but the rest was just him winging it for the most part. He eyed her when she tapped her fingers on the bar. "Well, why not?" He grinned and then the bartender returned with his drink and he nodded for on to give to the woman next to him. "I suppose that sounds like a plan. I like to talk, but I am just a shmuck drinking beer tonight." He took a deep breath and let it go. The only reason he wasn't sizing Kitty up was because she said she was becoming a woman of the cloth... He knew when to leave well enough alone.
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#10
Kitty stared in surprise looking him up and down. "You're Jewish?" She had never met one before that she knew of.


She grinned more as she finished her first drink and took the second. "Well don't feel bad. I think no matter how much confessin' I do, my priest things I'm still sinful and just a step above a pagan the way he sees me. Just cause I love drinkin, men, and shootin. Course I have to cut all that down. I used to love ridin but I ain't been on a horse since my tumble. "

The red head leaned in towards him and spoke softer. "I don't know much about yer kind, cept you got the men with the hats and the curls. But is it true all you guys... your men got hair cuts?" She wasn't being mocking or anything, she honestly had little knowledge and was quite curious. Her eyes were wide as she glanced from his lap to his face. She wouldn't ask a man in normal conversation but she always felt a bar was a place one could talk about anything. Almost like a confessional for the non religious types.
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#11
"I am," he said before sipping at the foam that topped his tankard. He was one who didn't mind a little bit of froth in his brew. He listened to her comment about her priest and blinked a few times. And then she asked him a question that caused him to inhale a little of the brew, cough for a moment, look at her just in time to see her look down at his crotch and back up again.

She was technically the first since his birth to even acknowledge his penis in some way that wasn't simply about him being a boy, and the damn thing twitched. Suddenly, he was folding his hands in his lap and squirming. "Ahh, yes, that is normal for a jewish boy," he said and cleared his throat. For a woman of God, she sure knew how to make a cock crow.
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#12
Kitty took a healthy swallow of her beer but her eyes were locked on his in fascination. George was right about temptation. It always starts with 'Just this once....'. Perhaps the devil himself dropped the Jewish man into her lap. She had experienced different kinds of men but he was an entirely different level and once she was a true blue nun she couldn't even consider saying what she was gonna say.

Of course George would be disappointed even shameful. The solution was obvious, go to another church to confess. It was God who had to forgive her, so for the sake of their professional relationship, she would go elsewhere just this once. After all it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, if he even said yes.

"Can.. can I see it? Just like.. for a second?"
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#13
"What?" his voice cracked like he was a boy again. See it? "H-here? No... No... n-not in front of all these people." He squeaked and then cleared his throat. A bead of sweat popped onto his forehead. How could a man ignore a woman asking to see that part of them? He nearly spent himself in his pants at the question, which caused him to grit his teeth at the pain in his groin from that stab of lust. "I ah... I do have a room, ah.. Heh..." He pulled out a hanky and finally mopped at his forehead, trying not to make it obvious what she had done by asking such a bold question. The fact she was trying to become a nun only made his good side feel bad. The "devil" side of him was encouraging him from all angles for him to caveman the woman over his shoulder and drag her off to his lair.
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#14
Kitty laughed and waved him off. "No no, not here of course. " She said in her mind it was because she had concern for his pride or his dignity, but a darker side of her said it was all about greed. It was her asking that would get her to see his little uncombed cock. If they wanted to see one, they found find their own.

She first thought his strong reaction was due to shock or embarrassment but she quickly realized it was also excitement. Her eyes roamed him curiously but the pieces fit. He wore nice though ill-fitting clothes but he could afford a tailor. He was going to university but worried about upsetting daddy. He was obviously a virgin and his family perhaps would plan a bride for him. He could have found someone for long term or the night. He had the look of money and he wasn't bad to look at. She wondered if he had high expectations.

The idea of a room had her blink and she smiled more. She wasn't really intending more than a look, and still didn't exactly but there was that voice in her head telling her that she wasn't really gonna get the full experience if she just looked. The way he squirmed made her feel confident he wouldn't be difficult to convince either. Trying to tell herself that this wasn't her falling off the wagon and just giving a last hurrah had her make an excuse she could get behind. This fella wasn't the devil taking her by the hand to lead her to hell, he was a gift to give her that last chance before she became a full nun and she wouldn't have any regrets or feel like she was missing out. And she didn't even know this man's name.

"Sure, let me finish my drink and we can go to your room."
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#15
"Uh... sure... Yeah, we can do that," he said, wide eyed. His virginal mind was almost in a triumph over someone wanting just to look at his penis, while his rational mind told him she wouldn't touch it or play with it. Maybe it would be less mortifying if it happened that way, shooting off without the actual intercourse anyways. He'd had friends in Cambridge brag about how long they lasted, and some even talked about when they were lads and how quickly it was over during their first times. He didn't like the sound of coming in his pants at the thought of a woman touching his dick at all when a woman was supposed to come first.

"Can I at least know who you are before I introduce you to my, ah... appendage?" he tried so hard not to sound lewd. "I'm, ahhh. Uriel Meijer." His cheeks were so freakin red, his flesh over warm. He kept one hand hiding that awkward trouser snake and tried mightily to think thoughts about what was unattractive... Hairy buttcracks... Smelly arm pits... Uhh... Oh! Shirtless old men with sagging pectorals and paunchy stomach. Yes, that helped.
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